Missing what could have been.

There is a sadness and longing in my heart tonight. Sometimes it's more evident pain, like now around the holidays, or in June and September. Other times it's just a fleeting tug, like in April, or late January. And sometimes I barely feel it at all.. Tonight is one of those nights tho, that I miss oh so deeply, what could have been.  I should have at least 4 babies tucked into bed tonight. One of them should be getting ready celebrate his first birthday. My little ones whose heart stopped beating before I could even hold them.. Only a little peanut on the ultrasound machine.

Maybe I'm a little weird and sentimental, But I'm one of those people/moms, no matter how many times I had seen (5 x's to be exact) a positive pg test and still got that "sing it from the rooftops" and "gasp in overwhelming love for the tiny human being growing in the deepest part of me"  feelings everytime I saw those parallel lines.

Anyhow, it's all a confusing feeling.. Why do I still feel this pang? It's been over a year since I lost them. And then I get even more confused when I try to figure out how I could have both in my arms, but that isn't even possible, because IF my 4th baby would have survived I couldn't have gotten pregnant in July with my 5th baby, because I would still have been pregnant with my 4th... There is no way I could have had them both. And in the end, I got neither.. (on this side of eternity anyway)  *sigh* that looks really confusing written down.. Imagine how it feels in my head!

 

I often wonder what those little people would look like.. If they'd be fair haired, or dark? Blue or green eyes? A little chunky monkey, or a tiny little pip squeak? Would they have been boy or girl? I always had a feeling that my 4th babe was a boy, and my 5 babe was a girl.. I had picked out the names Matthew and Madison (Both means Gift of the Lord... Madison is a surname of Matthew btw)

I donno. Maybe it's the fact that I know I can't have anymore babies. Maybe I feel slightly jilted because it goes against my nature to resign to defeat. My hubs and I discussed trying again, and we did for a few months. But with no avail we decided that with all the "drama" (-hubs word) that surrounds my pregnancies we probably should just count our "blessings" and have hubs undergo a minor sterilization procedure that is 99 -100% fail proof.  I'm sure I would still think of my little ones that are with our Saviour now, but I wonder if I would still feel the loss as much if I had a sweet little newborn to help mend my broken mommy heart.

Well, I do feel better to have written that down.. I try not to discuss this with anyone, for one it makes them uncomfortable, 2 they tell me not to think about it, 3 I know I sound looney, because it's been over a year and I still feel an emptyness, and I should get over it.  But this has made me feel better to spit it out..God is good alllll the time. Even when it doesn't go the way we want. thanks for listening!!!

ps, the photo is of a couple angel statues and a poem that I have in memory of my sweet little angels.. they set between 2 dogwood trees my loving hubs planted in memory of them!