How strange it is to type 2011? Doesn't seem possible! lol Not too much to mention today. But I want to get in the habit of posting on here, so here goes!!
About a quarter of our church members were absent today.. Everyone is sick. Including everyone who came! I think I would consider myself a "in the closet germaphobe" I am over coming this now, because I think it's important to keep our immune systems primed and ready, but it still irks my OCD when I'm sitting in our pew with our 3 chickadees and people are hacking and sniffeling everywhere. AND a little guy in the childrens singing service threw up everywhere!!! It was all I could do to NOT bring the kiddos home and bathe them in peroxide!!! HA! No, I'm really not that bad..I just settled for handwashing and some purex.. Now that the kids are getting older it isn't quite as bad as it was when they were little.. =) I will let you know if we do indeed get sick.. Fever, aches and pains... Oh joy.. Signing out ~
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Missing what could have been.
There is a sadness and longing in my heart tonight. Sometimes it's more evident pain, like now around the holidays, or in June and September. Other times it's just a fleeting tug, like in April, or late January. And sometimes I barely feel it at all.. Tonight is one of those nights tho, that I miss oh so deeply, what could have been. I should have at least 4 babies tucked into bed tonight. One of them should be getting ready celebrate his first birthday. My little ones whose heart stopped beating before I could even hold them.. Only a little peanut on the ultrasound machine.
Maybe I'm a little weird and sentimental, But I'm one of those people/moms, no matter how many times I had seen (5 x's to be exact) a positive pg test and still got that "sing it from the rooftops" and "gasp in overwhelming love for the tiny human being growing in the deepest part of me" feelings everytime I saw those parallel lines.
Anyhow, it's all a confusing feeling.. Why do I still feel this pang? It's been over a year since I lost them. And then I get even more confused when I try to figure out how I could have both in my arms, but that isn't even possible, because IF my 4th baby would have survived I couldn't have gotten pregnant in July with my 5th baby, because I would still have been pregnant with my 4th... There is no way I could have had them both. And in the end, I got neither.. (on this side of eternity anyway) *sigh* that looks really confusing written down.. Imagine how it feels in my head!
I often wonder what those little people would look like.. If they'd be fair haired, or dark? Blue or green eyes? A little chunky monkey, or a tiny little pip squeak? Would they have been boy or girl? I always had a feeling that my 4th babe was a boy, and my 5 babe was a girl.. I had picked out the names Matthew and Madison (Both means Gift of the Lord... Madison is a surname of Matthew btw)
I donno. Maybe it's the fact that I know I can't have anymore babies. Maybe I feel slightly jilted because it goes against my nature to resign to defeat. My hubs and I discussed trying again, and we did for a few months. But with no avail we decided that with all the "drama" (-hubs word) that surrounds my pregnancies we probably should just count our "blessings" and have hubs undergo a minor sterilization procedure that is 99 -100% fail proof. I'm sure I would still think of my little ones that are with our Saviour now, but I wonder if I would still feel the loss as much if I had a sweet little newborn to help mend my broken mommy heart.
Well, I do feel better to have written that down.. I try not to discuss this with anyone, for one it makes them uncomfortable, 2 they tell me not to think about it, 3 I know I sound looney, because it's been over a year and I still feel an emptyness, and I should get over it. But this has made me feel better to spit it out..God is good alllll the time. Even when it doesn't go the way we want. thanks for listening!!!
ps, the photo is of a couple angel statues and a poem that I have in memory of my sweet little angels.. they set between 2 dogwood trees my loving hubs planted in memory of them!
My blog has a new look!
Thank you Faith for making my blog "pretty"! You did a fantastic job... I hope I can get the hang of this soon! But for now I'm counting on you to help me out!!!
I'm kind of one of those people that keeps everything inside, and write stuff (or typing rather) has really been a relief of sorts.. I shall do my best to keep this going!! =) Thank you so much for your time and effort Faith, you are a great friend!
I'm kind of one of those people that keeps everything inside, and write stuff (or typing rather) has really been a relief of sorts.. I shall do my best to keep this going!! =) Thank you so much for your time and effort Faith, you are a great friend!
Friday, December 31, 2010
1 of my top favorite moments
Just wanted to jot this down so I can remember it forever! If I had 10 top favorite moments in my life this one would come in around the top!
It isn't anything world shattering, just simply contentment at it's best..
Last week me and my little darlings where all sitting around the dinning room table.. Z was doing her math, Y was sitting in my lap coloring a picture with me and X was doing his puzzle.. And I donno what came over me, maybe the fact that they were all so STILL and quietly chatting about their favorite color and if Elmo was indeed supposed to be red.. (sesame street coloring book) And I just looked around at them and felt so much love and contentment.. X the cute little 2 yr old who thinks he's 6. Y just needed a little different type of teaching, and she is blossoming before my eyes.. And Z..... That little girl with her 4 front teeth missing is growing up so fast! This is my little family.. If we were lions they'd be my pride. Wolfs, my pack. Sheep, my flock. Whales, my pod. Country, m' boys. Gangsta, my posse.. I donno why I just compared them to those! hahah.. But they are one of my greatest delights!
It isn't anything world shattering, just simply contentment at it's best..
Last week me and my little darlings where all sitting around the dinning room table.. Z was doing her math, Y was sitting in my lap coloring a picture with me and X was doing his puzzle.. And I donno what came over me, maybe the fact that they were all so STILL and quietly chatting about their favorite color and if Elmo was indeed supposed to be red.. (sesame street coloring book) And I just looked around at them and felt so much love and contentment.. X the cute little 2 yr old who thinks he's 6. Y just needed a little different type of teaching, and she is blossoming before my eyes.. And Z..... That little girl with her 4 front teeth missing is growing up so fast! This is my little family.. If we were lions they'd be my pride. Wolfs, my pack. Sheep, my flock. Whales, my pod. Country, m' boys. Gangsta, my posse.. I donno why I just compared them to those! hahah.. But they are one of my greatest delights!
Friday, December 17, 2010
December 17 2010
Soooo I just got a christmas card from a dear friend, and she told me that i need to blog again!! hahah.. So here's to you my faithful friend!
I haven't felt like blogging.. Just been extremely busy and crazy and I'm not very good at putting my feelings into words, which is why I started blogging in the first place.. (to exercise my expression) If that makes any sense.. Anway, since my last blog, my sister-in-law Sha-sha ( My brothers wife, and I feel that she is more my sister than just a sister in law.) was diagnosed with cancer.. She is the ripe young age of 28 and is the mommy of 2 little ones.. I had felt that the Lord was wanting to use me to organize a Benefit Dinner and Silent Auction in honour of my brothers family. They have health insurance but a large deductable and it was only last year that their baby boy was born 12 weeks premature and was in the NICU for close to 3 months.. And they were still paying on his hospital bills. For a few days I just prayed (and worried) about it, then I decided that if God wanted me to do it, then He would prepare a way for me.. And guess what, He did.. ♥ I started by calling my best friend who just so happens to be Sha-sha's sis-in-law from her other side.. =) And from there God started blessing.. For starters we were prepared to fork out money to buy the food.. But there was no need to, local resturants and grocery store donated food to feed 500 people. Then came the "where are we going to have this event?!" When we realized a certain church dinning hall was NOT going to be big enough. But the Lord came thru with an Amish restruant donating their facilities to our cause! So now we had enough room, tables, dishes, glasses, tableware, tea, coffee and the use of their kitchen. AND their cooks and dish crew!!! How amazing is that!?!?! They went above and beyond!! They are always closed on Sundays, and as far as I know, have never opend up on a sunday.. But they did for us.. The owner even made meat balls for our spaghetti.. We did not have to spend ONE cent on anything.. EVERYTHING was donated all the way down to the flyers. A local paper did an article on Sha sha and this event and commented that she'd never seen a Benefit that 100% of the proceeds went to the honoured family. Also the Amish resturant is usually packed with local businesses christmas parties on Saturdays, but guess what? We needed into those banquet rooms on saturday to set up 60 round tables and chairs annd get the silent auction ready, and for once in the month of December that saturday was completely empty. That is God. Period. It was still a tremendous amount of work and preparring but we got it done with God's help! And to tell the truth, the only other time I have ever felt so calm and confindent going into something so huge was at my wedding. I just knew the Lord was in control and why should I worry?.. (which is, by the way NOT me. I worry about everything! I even worry that I'm worrying too much!) People gave with their hearts and I don't even know how much it raised.. I just know that it was a huge success. Anyway, that is one reason why I haven't been on here yaking.. It's not for lacking of anything to say. I keep thinking during differnt encounters I have, ohhh, this would make a good blog!!!! =) hahah.. Especially the ones where I have encountered pure hateful people.. I just don't understand that people actually live with those feelings! Part of it is my fault tho.. I have been praying that the Lord would help me to grow in Grace and patience.. And buddy, I'm telling you.. Don't ever pray that unless you realllllly mean it!! hahahah!! Trust me! It's beyond me that certain people cannot be happy unless they are stirring up strife! And I hate the fact that when I'm confronted with hateful people I am always nice!! And later when I am brewing about it, think a million things up that I could have said.. But now that I reread that, I guess I'm glad I don't explode back at them because if I did, I wouldn't be any better than they are... But really.. I feel i have grown in grace and patience toward ignorant people, so now hopefully they can lay off! hahahhahah =) Well my kiddos are upstairs singing Praise Ye The Lord Halelujah! Time for nap and I gotta get this house whipped into shape!! Thanks for taking time to listen to my ramblings.. More later!
I haven't felt like blogging.. Just been extremely busy and crazy and I'm not very good at putting my feelings into words, which is why I started blogging in the first place.. (to exercise my expression) If that makes any sense.. Anway, since my last blog, my sister-in-law Sha-sha ( My brothers wife, and I feel that she is more my sister than just a sister in law.) was diagnosed with cancer.. She is the ripe young age of 28 and is the mommy of 2 little ones.. I had felt that the Lord was wanting to use me to organize a Benefit Dinner and Silent Auction in honour of my brothers family. They have health insurance but a large deductable and it was only last year that their baby boy was born 12 weeks premature and was in the NICU for close to 3 months.. And they were still paying on his hospital bills. For a few days I just prayed (and worried) about it, then I decided that if God wanted me to do it, then He would prepare a way for me.. And guess what, He did.. ♥ I started by calling my best friend who just so happens to be Sha-sha's sis-in-law from her other side.. =) And from there God started blessing.. For starters we were prepared to fork out money to buy the food.. But there was no need to, local resturants and grocery store donated food to feed 500 people. Then came the "where are we going to have this event?!" When we realized a certain church dinning hall was NOT going to be big enough. But the Lord came thru with an Amish restruant donating their facilities to our cause! So now we had enough room, tables, dishes, glasses, tableware, tea, coffee and the use of their kitchen. AND their cooks and dish crew!!! How amazing is that!?!?! They went above and beyond!! They are always closed on Sundays, and as far as I know, have never opend up on a sunday.. But they did for us.. The owner even made meat balls for our spaghetti.. We did not have to spend ONE cent on anything.. EVERYTHING was donated all the way down to the flyers. A local paper did an article on Sha sha and this event and commented that she'd never seen a Benefit that 100% of the proceeds went to the honoured family. Also the Amish resturant is usually packed with local businesses christmas parties on Saturdays, but guess what? We needed into those banquet rooms on saturday to set up 60 round tables and chairs annd get the silent auction ready, and for once in the month of December that saturday was completely empty. That is God. Period. It was still a tremendous amount of work and preparring but we got it done with God's help! And to tell the truth, the only other time I have ever felt so calm and confindent going into something so huge was at my wedding. I just knew the Lord was in control and why should I worry?.. (which is, by the way NOT me. I worry about everything! I even worry that I'm worrying too much!) People gave with their hearts and I don't even know how much it raised.. I just know that it was a huge success. Anyway, that is one reason why I haven't been on here yaking.. It's not for lacking of anything to say. I keep thinking during differnt encounters I have, ohhh, this would make a good blog!!!! =) hahah.. Especially the ones where I have encountered pure hateful people.. I just don't understand that people actually live with those feelings! Part of it is my fault tho.. I have been praying that the Lord would help me to grow in Grace and patience.. And buddy, I'm telling you.. Don't ever pray that unless you realllllly mean it!! hahahah!! Trust me! It's beyond me that certain people cannot be happy unless they are stirring up strife! And I hate the fact that when I'm confronted with hateful people I am always nice!! And later when I am brewing about it, think a million things up that I could have said.. But now that I reread that, I guess I'm glad I don't explode back at them because if I did, I wouldn't be any better than they are... But really.. I feel i have grown in grace and patience toward ignorant people, so now hopefully they can lay off! hahahhahah =) Well my kiddos are upstairs singing Praise Ye The Lord Halelujah! Time for nap and I gotta get this house whipped into shape!! Thanks for taking time to listen to my ramblings.. More later!
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